waving, not drowning.

today is one of those perfect portland days.

whilst we wait for the clouds to sneak up and 

for the rain to appear, reminding us of typical autumn weather,

the sun shining is down upon us, catching us off guard,

reminding us that surprises are always at hand, always around the corner.

if i think back, i can remember one particular day, just like this.

i was still living in grand rapids, michigan and a friend from chicago 

had come up to visit me. "let's go to the beach," she begged.

and so it was at holland state park we found ourselves,

bathing in the sunshine, immersed in the jovial voices around us.

our favorite activity was throwing ourselves into the water,

giving our complete selves into the waves. 

there was no time for holding back, no time for hesitation.

but there was the occasional moment that i'd misjudge the wave,

lose my footing and find myself being tossed in all directions,

without control and without a place to regain my balance.

it felt as though each wave was specifically timed to make sure 

i'd never reached the surface again,

but then the tide would turn and to the surface i'd return.

as i remember the strength i felt that day each time i regained my balance,

i can only notice the similarities with which the waves relate to the changes in my life as of late.

with the passing of my grandma, friendships that have ended and my move to portland,

everything keeps happening to me, one wave right after another, 

and i find myself, at times, losing my footing, being sucked under, 

facing the raging and unrelenting waves alone.

i question my levels of patience, my endurance with regards to the challenges ahead,

often turning to self-doubt, wondering if i'll ever again make it to the surface.

but then, i catch myself and remember that if i can just keep kicking my legs,

if i can just keep fighting, keep believing, keep hoping, then i will make it back to the surface.

it is too easy to forget that these changes are part of life, a part of growing up;

because without these challenges, i'd never know the strength i hold in my grasp.

it is a long and hearty process, this growing up thing.

but, i believe that with each step, i am cultivating the kind of woman i want to be.

each day is but a stepping stone and the journey is just beginning,

but jump on in, the water is perfect.