good enough, will it ever be?

heaven knows i'm miserable now, the smiths.

i fumble my words even though they flow even in my head
and my khaki trousers can never stay perfectly clean.
i have frizzy hair and i've noticed that one leg is shorter than the other.
i constantly find the easiest concepts difficult to grasp,
yet the hardest ones come so naturally.

i keep wondering if there is something wrong with me.
keep thinking that if only i could do a, b, c, 1, 2, 3 - things will be alright.
things will finally feel normal. the way they're supposed to.

if only i could be.
if only i was more.

why is it that i can tell other people how amazing they are;
list off their greatest qualities, all of their strengths.
but when it comes to myself, all i have is a list a mile long
of things i have yet to do, things i want to be, things i will never be.

"i was looking for a job, then i found a job,
but heaven knows i'm miserable now."

i constantly feel as though i am not measuring up.
there is always someone better out there, always someone to beat me.
maybe that's why i'm having such trouble writing lately.
why i have not been published. maybe it's my fear holding me back,
my constant worry of whether or not good enough ever will be.


i am trying to just breathe in and out.
breathe in positivity, breathe out negativity.
but really, i am worried that my work will never be
what i want it to be, what i need it to be.

and such is the curse of being a perfectionist..