cultivation.

so as most of you know know, mike from dailybooth came and visited me. i couldn't have imagined a better get together. we spent our time eating, going to concerts and laughing the entire time. we formed an instant friendship that i am so incredibly blessed by. this weekend was just what i needed.

i've been feeling lonely and extremely lost in portland, not really knowing anyone or where i'm at ninety percent of the time, but things are getting easier, slowly but surely. sometimes i get so lonely i forget how to function and other times i couldn't be happier to be out on my own. it's a weird mix of feelings, but i sort of like it. my heart has been uneasy though. i see all of these couples and it makes me long for a sort of intimacy. i love being single, but there are definite times where it'd be nice to have someone to go along with. i talk to scott pretty often, but there seems to be some disconnect between us. i love him, but i feel for right now, it's just a best friend type of love. he's my confidant, my friend, but we still need to figure our own things out.

maybe i'm bitter about the possibility of love or maybe i just haven't found the "right person" yet. even still, maybe it's a matter of getting my ducks in a row first, like mike said: school first, love later - but i wonder if maybe that's just another excuse. a part of me desperately wants to be known intimately again, and not just sexually but i want to feel a level of intrigue, of excitement, of seduction, of feeling true connectivity. maybe i just need someone to fill a void, the emptiness i feel because i don't really feel connected to portland yet. so maybe it's a good thing i'm still on my own; yet another brick in the wall, another sign that there's still more i need to figure out for myself. there are still questions that are left unanswered. but right now? i'm still lonely and i still feel lost ninety percent of the time.

but that's where people like mike and sarah come in: a friend, a link, a connection to keep me here in portland; to guide me, to help me feel grounded. so instead of finding love, maybe i should focus on cultivating friendships, finding myself and exploring this new city.

one day at a time.

as always, love, t.