unspeakable.

when i have reconnected with several of my friends from illinois over the past few days, most of them are confused as to why i've relocated to portland, oregon. you see, most chicagoans have a hard time understanding that there is an entire world outside of our lovely, windy city. however, my decision had nothing to do with a falling out with chicago as some were lead to believe; i still am absolutely in love with the city and will at some point, most likely return to it. chicago will always be my home.

but for me, the decision to move to portland was more than just the natural progression to finish college. i was in part, running away from things i couldn't escape from in chicago. there were lessons i needed to learn that i didn't feel i could do while still immersed in my comfort zone. portland was an abberation, a letting go of an old skin and way of life; to state further, it is an eye-opening, or rather, soul-opening experience.

there are certain events that have happened to me, changed me, shaped me and molded me in irrevocable ways. some of them good, some of them bad and some of them downright painful and horrendous. some of them i have shared, but most of them i have not. there are still things i am trying to heal from, still things i am carrying and even, in some instances, find myself being completely burdened down by. these things are unspeakable and portland is going to be that step to take toward letting them out.

slowly but surely, i am getting there: i am finding my own voice and embracing the chances to grow. it's a long and lengthy process, but if nothing else, i believe myself to be a fighter. so one day hopefully not too far off, i'll find the courage to toss these things aside because i will no longer see the benefit of holding onto them. portland is just that place for me; a place to dream up possibilities and then achieve them. a place to rid myself of the fear and grow into a new skin of courage and gusto.

so the next time you ask when i'm here, i'll continue to say:
i'm here to begin again.

"lions make you brave,
giants give you faith,
death is a charade.
you don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."
lions! by lights.