doubt.
verb.
doubted, doubting, doubts.
1. to be undecided or skeptical about.
2. to tend to disbelieve; distrust.
3. to regard as unlikely.
4. to suspect; fear.


a more perfect word could not be chosen when describing my life as of late. i am filled up to the brim with doubt, with uneasiness and skepticism. doubt plagues all of us. some of us for a season, a particular event or situation that has occurred to us. and for others of us, it is the condition under which we become its slave. i fall somewhere in between the two extremes. i am neither master nor slave, neither chained up nor free. i am in limbo, one might say.

as a writer, i doubt if the work i produce is worthy of being published. i write and rewrite every single sentence, every single word ten times then i scratch it out, rip up the paper and inevitably start the process again. as a woman, i doubt if i am up to the strength i should be. i constantly criticize my outfit, my body and my outlook. i challenge myself to be more than i am, better than i am, pursuing perfection at any cost. as a daughter, i doubt that i am living up to the standards my parents set forth and i am constantly wondering if i'm the daughter they hoped for, or if i am just the one they settle for. as an atheist, i doubt the presence of a higher power, but sometimes i feel something stronger pulling at my insides and so i doubt myself. i doubt the validity of christianity, the authenticity and humanity of catholicism and the ability to achieve buddha's idea of nirvana. as a survivor of an eating disorder, i doubt my strength to fight the war that is constantly raging inside my mind. as a person involved in relationships, romantic or otherwise, i doubt the ability to give of myself fully or my ability to receive someone else fully. i doubt the presence of love. i doubt in my ability to trust and be trusted in. and as little old me, free of any labels, i doubt everything and anything. i doubt myself. i doubt the world. i doubt everyone in the world.

sure, it's natural and normal for everyone to doubt the things around them, but where is the line between doubt being a fleeting thought and being the condition? have i moved into a place of being completely and utterly stagnant as a result of my constant doubt?

now i can only speak for myself, and although right now i find myself in a season filled with nothing but doubt, the one thing i know for certain: life sucks. it's hard and it's a constant battle, but i am willing to continue on. as robert frost once said, "there are three words that sum up everything i have learned about life: it goes on." and amidst all of the uncertainty, i continue to put myself out there, unsure as i may be. i am willing to submit my writing to publishers though i may only face rejection letters. i ask out a cute boy even though he may not even want me. i put on makeup and get ready in the morning even though i may just be covered in steamed milk by the end of the day. i fight the waves even though the possibility of being thrown back toward the shore is an ever-constant fear and reality.

because in the end, that's what life is about: fighting the good fight, sticking around and holding your head high, believing in yourself even when the chips are stacked against you.

and as always, love, t.

"i can feel this lightness inside of me
growing fast into a bolt of lightning
i know one spark will shock the world
so i pray for a favor like esther
i need your strength to handle the pressure
i know there will be sacrifice,
but that's the price.

it's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
standing on the frontline when the bombs start to call
i can see the heavens but i still hear the flames calling out my name
i can see the writing on the wall, i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?"
who am i living for by katy perry.


*note: i have thus realized that this blogspot was started in hopes of spreading my love and adoration of music and i keep forgetting to post the song that correlates to each post. (absentminded!) so from here on out, expect the musical selection as well as the post. hope you enjoy and keep on reading! ;)