peace. 

[pees] noun.

1. cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

2. freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.

3. a state of tranquility; serenity.

4. silence, stillness.

verb. 

1. to be or become silent.

i chose the word peace for this particular post because lately, my life has felt everything but. let's just say, my life has been a mess of even more questions and seemingly less answers. the more i try to get a hold on things, the more it seems to spin away from me.  these past few months spent in portland have taught me so much, but i am still completely aware of my immaturity, of the things i still have yet to learn. i am still young yet; there is this whole world to explore, a whole me to explore. and yet..

a part of me wonders how different life would be if things went according to the plan i had just a few years back. a finished degree in a career i wouldn't particularly love, a wedding to the man i thought was the love of my life, and possibly be planning for a baby - it all seems so far off; that life i could have had. thankfully (at this age at least) i have grown out of wanting those things, realizing that there are still things i want to do beforehand, but a part of me can still wonder -- and i can't help but notice all of the females around me wondering the exact same thing.

it seems no matter how intelligent the woman is, no matter how bright her future is or how full her life seems - it never seems to be enough unless there is a male present. we've been shown all of our lives that there is a prince charming, that he'll sweep you off your feet, that you'll live happily ever after. never do we hear the stories of women making it completely on their own, of never needing a man. so naturally, we're wired to think the same of ourselves.

so i guess (and believe when i say i'd never thought i'd say this) but i am at peace with the things that have happened to me. i couldn't see it at the time, but the loss of that dream has opened me up to so many more dreams that i didn't even know existed. maybe it's only in the letting go and healing that you can see that sometimes you give up something good to gain something better. i know that's sort of cliche to say, but i believe cliches to pan out to be true almost all of the time. perhaps they're cliche because they're the truths that no one wants to face; the truths we all want to avoid because at the time, it doesn't seem to make much sense. but again, believe me when i tell you, that when you can take a step back and see the whole picture, the small areas you thought were mistakes are what make the final result all the more beautiful.

"each one has to find his peace from within. and for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances." _ mahatma ghandi.

as always, i love you all.
love, t.