truth.

truth.
[trooth] noun.

conformity with fact or reality; verity
a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like
honesty; integrity; truthfulness  

there's this funny thing about silence and time spent alone:
you get to know yourself.
the good, the bad, the ugly and the secret.
and so, being that i am in somewhat of an existential crisis,
the silence and hermit-dom and i are becoming fast friends.

i have had time to uncover who this person is inside my head
and am reaching into the deep crevices of things i long to hide.
(subnote: it's amazing the things you discover about yourself when you're alone.)
and naturally, there are certain inalienable truths i have uncovered.
one of them being that i am very aware of how being german has shaped me.

since my dad is an immigrant (moved here from stuttgart when he was 14)
and my mom's entire family is of germanic descent,
our german heritage has always been apparent.
everyone speaks german, shops at german groceries, 
yells in german, sings in german and as to be assumed, loves beer.
but along with the german laughs, comes the german temper,
the german way of stuffing emotions and the general german passivity.


as a learned behavior from my two biggest role models (mom and dad),
i have aquired the fine art of holding in and swallowing my feelings.
there are things i will never feel comfortable speaking of,
and even darker things i will never be able to confront. 


so in an effort to further evolve and not hold myself back,
i've decided to state some of these truths here.
don't try to figure out if you're a part of this list or not,
just embrace it and realize that by stating it here, 
i am letting it go.


001. dear you, you have played a significant role in shaping me, for the better and for the worst. sometimes i cannot imagine my world without you, sometimes i'm glad you're not a part of it. it's odd to me how our story came and went. we're both such passionate people that i understand where and why it fell apart. i appreciate your ability to walk away; we both knew i never would. i hope you're doing well in your new life. always, t.

002. we spent a lifetime together, shaped our own world, created our own fantasies. we fought through so many battles, i thought our friendship could withstand anything, but looking back on it all, maybe we were not as close as we thought. i'm glad that at those particular times when i needed you most and you needed me most that we had each other - but i also know: we're both better on our own. you left a hole in my heart that i don't think i'll ever be able to fill up again, but it's better off empty anyways. i want to forgive you and i want to forget you. gtgsmbo, tr.


003. the time we spent together was one of the best nights i've had in a long time and i needed that, but in the daylight, i'm realizing i don't have a road map for things like this. it's new and it's scary and exciting. i feel like i could really fall for you, but i'm scared to death that you'll just go and break my heart. so be careful here.


004. you are my best friend. i use that phrase loosely, i know, but right now, there is one thing i know and that is that you are my BEST friend. you are the constant, the person i can always trust in, the person i know will always be on my side, even if i end up looking like a fool. you can call me out, tell me to get my shit together and still go grab coffee and vegan yums. i know you're not very sentimental, but let me just this once say, hammy loves hammy and hopes you move to hammy hillsboro.


005. when i moved to oregon, i felt entirely and completely lost. i didn't know where to get groceries. i didn't know delicious restaurants to eat at. i didn't even know where to get good froyo. and then i met you and you knew all of these things. you gave me answers when i only had questions. you made this state feel less lonely and soon, it will feel like home. i guess i have you to thank for that. : )


006. at one point, we were as thick as thieves. we shared secrets, fought like sisters and bonded through our love of all things reality tv and flavored slushies. we were 400 miles away and you could still call me out on things i was struggling with. i feel like this point in our life should be the most fun, but right now, i feel like we couldn't be farther apart. maybe it's the stress of our schedules or the fact that we missed a step somewhere, but i hope we can steer ourselves back to where we used to be. i miss my friend. 


007. i hate when you speak down to me like i'm twelve. i am a competent, particularly well read, educated woman. i work hard to get things accomplished (and it has NOTHING to do with sleeping my way to the top). kthanks.


008. i know i never became the girl you hoped for. i know i don't things the normal way. i know that it's frustrating to see me set myself up to fail. but that's what your role in my life is all about: allowing me the space to be the person i am, not the person you hope i turn into. that's what love is all about and if you're going to say you love me, you have to love ALL the things about me, not just the things you like.


so there it is. 
out on the table, for everyone to see.
it doesn't seem like it, but this post has been one of the toughest.
confrontation has never been my forte, but i'm getting better at it.
it's all part of the growing process.