doubt.
verb.
doubted, doubting, doubts.
1. to be undecided or skeptical about.
2. to tend to disbelieve; distrust.
3. to regard as unlikely.
4. to suspect; fear.


a more perfect word could not be chosen when describing my life as of late. i am filled up to the brim with doubt, with uneasiness and skepticism. doubt plagues all of us. some of us for a season, a particular event or situation that has occurred to us. and for others of us, it is the condition under which we become its slave. i fall somewhere in between the two extremes. i am neither master nor slave, neither chained up nor free. i am in limbo, one might say.

as a writer, i doubt if the work i produce is worthy of being published. i write and rewrite every single sentence, every single word ten times then i scratch it out, rip up the paper and inevitably start the process again. as a woman, i doubt if i am up to the strength i should be. i constantly criticize my outfit, my body and my outlook. i challenge myself to be more than i am, better than i am, pursuing perfection at any cost. as a daughter, i doubt that i am living up to the standards my parents set forth and i am constantly wondering if i'm the daughter they hoped for, or if i am just the one they settle for. as an atheist, i doubt the presence of a higher power, but sometimes i feel something stronger pulling at my insides and so i doubt myself. i doubt the validity of christianity, the authenticity and humanity of catholicism and the ability to achieve buddha's idea of nirvana. as a survivor of an eating disorder, i doubt my strength to fight the war that is constantly raging inside my mind. as a person involved in relationships, romantic or otherwise, i doubt the ability to give of myself fully or my ability to receive someone else fully. i doubt the presence of love. i doubt in my ability to trust and be trusted in. and as little old me, free of any labels, i doubt everything and anything. i doubt myself. i doubt the world. i doubt everyone in the world.

sure, it's natural and normal for everyone to doubt the things around them, but where is the line between doubt being a fleeting thought and being the condition? have i moved into a place of being completely and utterly stagnant as a result of my constant doubt?

now i can only speak for myself, and although right now i find myself in a season filled with nothing but doubt, the one thing i know for certain: life sucks. it's hard and it's a constant battle, but i am willing to continue on. as robert frost once said, "there are three words that sum up everything i have learned about life: it goes on." and amidst all of the uncertainty, i continue to put myself out there, unsure as i may be. i am willing to submit my writing to publishers though i may only face rejection letters. i ask out a cute boy even though he may not even want me. i put on makeup and get ready in the morning even though i may just be covered in steamed milk by the end of the day. i fight the waves even though the possibility of being thrown back toward the shore is an ever-constant fear and reality.

because in the end, that's what life is about: fighting the good fight, sticking around and holding your head high, believing in yourself even when the chips are stacked against you.

and as always, love, t.

"i can feel this lightness inside of me
growing fast into a bolt of lightning
i know one spark will shock the world
so i pray for a favor like esther
i need your strength to handle the pressure
i know there will be sacrifice,
but that's the price.

it's never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
standing on the frontline when the bombs start to call
i can see the heavens but i still hear the flames calling out my name
i can see the writing on the wall, i can't ignore this war
at the end of it all, who am i living for?"
who am i living for by katy perry.


*note: i have thus realized that this blogspot was started in hopes of spreading my love and adoration of music and i keep forgetting to post the song that correlates to each post. (absentminded!) so from here on out, expect the musical selection as well as the post. hope you enjoy and keep on reading! ;)

empowerment
verb; empowered, empowering, empowers
1. to equip or supply with an ability; enable.


I'm sitting in the airport, waiting for my flight off to Oakland, California. And then from there, to connect to Chicago, Illinois. Home, for the holidays. Preparing myself for a long wait through security, I came here a whole two hours too early. Thankfully, after being yelled at by a security guard for having my laptop in my carry-on (psh!) I have had the last hour and a half to people watch, to chat with friends and keep myself otherwise entertained.

People watching is one of my favorite activities. It's entertaining to me, the things people do when they feel they are not being watched. They let their guards down. Sing out songs. Pick their noses. The things that everyone does that everyone tries to hide. This got me thinking about the three people I think reside in all of us. There's the (1) person we want people to see, the (2) person we think we want to be and then (3) the person we truly are. There are so many versions of ourselves, I find it difficult to keep it all under control. We are so afraid to show the real us. Just think. There are so many businesses devoted solely to how we carry ourselves. To hide the things we do not want seen. To bring into the limelight our strenghts, hide our weaknesses. Diet pills to make us super model thin, facial creams to smooth out the wrinkles, hair dye to hide the grays, you name it, we've invented it. It's like we want to stop time, freeze ourselves in a perfect moment.

But the truth is: no one is perfect. People have flaws, get wrinkles, incur cellulite and make mistakes. Time does not stop no matter how much money you have or don't have. I chose the word empowerment for this particular blog, because after a long period of contemplation and self-exploration, I myself have felt just so. I am beginning to find my own voice, accept my flaws and embrace the real me - instead of the me I feel I have to be. Sure I'll still use diet foods to help keep a lean figure, but this time around, it isn't because I feel the need to be stick-thin - it's because I want to keep a healthy figure; a strong figure. A body that will still feel good when I'm sixty plus. And sure, I still might use a face cream, but it won't be to prevent wrinkles, it will be to protect my skin. It's all a bit narcissistic, isn't it? We're so afraid to get old. Afraid to become a weaker version of ourselves. But the truth is, age is a gift. Getting old is earned. You get wrinkles because you sat in on countless sunny days on the beach. Your knees start aching because you danced at your favorite night club with your best friends every Friday and Saturday night. These are the things to remember when you're staring in the mirror. Embracing them, instead of trying to hide them. Do yourself a favor and empower yourself instead of trying to belittle yourself.

believe me,
it feels pretty fantastic once you do.
; )

and as always, love, t.

peace. 

[pees] noun.

1. cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.

2. freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.

3. a state of tranquility; serenity.

4. silence, stillness.

verb. 

1. to be or become silent.

i chose the word peace for this particular post because lately, my life has felt everything but. let's just say, my life has been a mess of even more questions and seemingly less answers. the more i try to get a hold on things, the more it seems to spin away from me.  these past few months spent in portland have taught me so much, but i am still completely aware of my immaturity, of the things i still have yet to learn. i am still young yet; there is this whole world to explore, a whole me to explore. and yet..

a part of me wonders how different life would be if things went according to the plan i had just a few years back. a finished degree in a career i wouldn't particularly love, a wedding to the man i thought was the love of my life, and possibly be planning for a baby - it all seems so far off; that life i could have had. thankfully (at this age at least) i have grown out of wanting those things, realizing that there are still things i want to do beforehand, but a part of me can still wonder -- and i can't help but notice all of the females around me wondering the exact same thing.

it seems no matter how intelligent the woman is, no matter how bright her future is or how full her life seems - it never seems to be enough unless there is a male present. we've been shown all of our lives that there is a prince charming, that he'll sweep you off your feet, that you'll live happily ever after. never do we hear the stories of women making it completely on their own, of never needing a man. so naturally, we're wired to think the same of ourselves.

so i guess (and believe when i say i'd never thought i'd say this) but i am at peace with the things that have happened to me. i couldn't see it at the time, but the loss of that dream has opened me up to so many more dreams that i didn't even know existed. maybe it's only in the letting go and healing that you can see that sometimes you give up something good to gain something better. i know that's sort of cliche to say, but i believe cliches to pan out to be true almost all of the time. perhaps they're cliche because they're the truths that no one wants to face; the truths we all want to avoid because at the time, it doesn't seem to make much sense. but again, believe me when i tell you, that when you can take a step back and see the whole picture, the small areas you thought were mistakes are what make the final result all the more beautiful.

"each one has to find his peace from within. and for peace to be real, it must be unaffected by outside circumstances." _ mahatma ghandi.

as always, i love you all.
love, t.

truth.

truth.
[trooth] noun.

conformity with fact or reality; verity
a verified or indisputable fact, proposition, principle, or the like
honesty; integrity; truthfulness  

there's this funny thing about silence and time spent alone:
you get to know yourself.
the good, the bad, the ugly and the secret.
and so, being that i am in somewhat of an existential crisis,
the silence and hermit-dom and i are becoming fast friends.

i have had time to uncover who this person is inside my head
and am reaching into the deep crevices of things i long to hide.
(subnote: it's amazing the things you discover about yourself when you're alone.)
and naturally, there are certain inalienable truths i have uncovered.
one of them being that i am very aware of how being german has shaped me.

since my dad is an immigrant (moved here from stuttgart when he was 14)
and my mom's entire family is of germanic descent,
our german heritage has always been apparent.
everyone speaks german, shops at german groceries, 
yells in german, sings in german and as to be assumed, loves beer.
but along with the german laughs, comes the german temper,
the german way of stuffing emotions and the general german passivity.


as a learned behavior from my two biggest role models (mom and dad),
i have aquired the fine art of holding in and swallowing my feelings.
there are things i will never feel comfortable speaking of,
and even darker things i will never be able to confront. 


so in an effort to further evolve and not hold myself back,
i've decided to state some of these truths here.
don't try to figure out if you're a part of this list or not,
just embrace it and realize that by stating it here, 
i am letting it go.


001. dear you, you have played a significant role in shaping me, for the better and for the worst. sometimes i cannot imagine my world without you, sometimes i'm glad you're not a part of it. it's odd to me how our story came and went. we're both such passionate people that i understand where and why it fell apart. i appreciate your ability to walk away; we both knew i never would. i hope you're doing well in your new life. always, t.

002. we spent a lifetime together, shaped our own world, created our own fantasies. we fought through so many battles, i thought our friendship could withstand anything, but looking back on it all, maybe we were not as close as we thought. i'm glad that at those particular times when i needed you most and you needed me most that we had each other - but i also know: we're both better on our own. you left a hole in my heart that i don't think i'll ever be able to fill up again, but it's better off empty anyways. i want to forgive you and i want to forget you. gtgsmbo, tr.


003. the time we spent together was one of the best nights i've had in a long time and i needed that, but in the daylight, i'm realizing i don't have a road map for things like this. it's new and it's scary and exciting. i feel like i could really fall for you, but i'm scared to death that you'll just go and break my heart. so be careful here.


004. you are my best friend. i use that phrase loosely, i know, but right now, there is one thing i know and that is that you are my BEST friend. you are the constant, the person i can always trust in, the person i know will always be on my side, even if i end up looking like a fool. you can call me out, tell me to get my shit together and still go grab coffee and vegan yums. i know you're not very sentimental, but let me just this once say, hammy loves hammy and hopes you move to hammy hillsboro.


005. when i moved to oregon, i felt entirely and completely lost. i didn't know where to get groceries. i didn't know delicious restaurants to eat at. i didn't even know where to get good froyo. and then i met you and you knew all of these things. you gave me answers when i only had questions. you made this state feel less lonely and soon, it will feel like home. i guess i have you to thank for that. : )


006. at one point, we were as thick as thieves. we shared secrets, fought like sisters and bonded through our love of all things reality tv and flavored slushies. we were 400 miles away and you could still call me out on things i was struggling with. i feel like this point in our life should be the most fun, but right now, i feel like we couldn't be farther apart. maybe it's the stress of our schedules or the fact that we missed a step somewhere, but i hope we can steer ourselves back to where we used to be. i miss my friend. 


007. i hate when you speak down to me like i'm twelve. i am a competent, particularly well read, educated woman. i work hard to get things accomplished (and it has NOTHING to do with sleeping my way to the top). kthanks.


008. i know i never became the girl you hoped for. i know i don't things the normal way. i know that it's frustrating to see me set myself up to fail. but that's what your role in my life is all about: allowing me the space to be the person i am, not the person you hope i turn into. that's what love is all about and if you're going to say you love me, you have to love ALL the things about me, not just the things you like.


so there it is. 
out on the table, for everyone to see.
it doesn't seem like it, but this post has been one of the toughest.
confrontation has never been my forte, but i'm getting better at it.
it's all part of the growing process.

 

so here's the thing you need to know about me.
my high school boyfriend committed suicide.
my college boyfriend broke my heart.
and everyone since then has been well, not so nice.
and somewhere along the line, i changed.

i'm no picnic to be with.
i have this tendency to bottle my emotions,
and it's not so cute when it all boils over.
i build up walls and don't trust so easily.
i pretend like i have this big ego,
but most of the time, i'm pretty self-concious.
i hate needing or wanting anything, anyone.
i think i might have depression
and i definitely still battle with an eating disorder.
i'm flighty and have a hard time making up my mind.
i'm a pain in the ass and i don't really know where i fit in.

so in a nutshell, that's me.
i'm still trying to convince myself that there are good people out there.


so don't freak out if i push you away
or aren't ready for anything you offer to me.


i'm just not used to it.

waving or drowning?

it's almost 3am and i have been inside all day.
save for running to the garbage disposal and some laundry.
sometimes, it's nice to spend all day alone, inside, with nothing to do.
and now, i'm sitting on my bed, in the dark,
listening to the rain pound down upon my window.

i've always held such fascination for water.
swimming, lakes, oceans, ponds, rain, thunderstorms.
i'm a february baby, born at the end of the month.
and i'll admit, from time to time, i check my horoscope,
not because i actually believe in astrology,
but for some reason, i identify with being a water sign.
it's all around me; a rudimentary piece of my existence.

i think that's part of the appeal with portland.
it's a city constantly surrounded by the looming idea of water.
tons of rainfall, the willamette river, the nearby coast.
and as i'm in my growing phase out here,
i can't help but wonder if the rain has been
the catalyst or the healer.

many of my memories have been defined by the presence of water.
it has been a source of peace and the greatest sense of turmoil.
it's a cleansing and a beating down all in one element.
but i can't help but wonder, by holding onto these things,
am i waving or am i in fact, drowning?

so, here's the thing.
people keep trying to "figure" me out,
trying to shove me into neat little ordered boxes
because let's face it,
if you're a little bit weird,
if you're a little bit out of the norm,
you have to be studied.
you have to be analyzed.
you have to be "figured out"

truth is, i'm happy.
for what feels like the first time in my life.
i'm happy on my own.
i'm happy working at starbucks.
i'm happy not answering to anyone.

i don't need a man.
i don't need a high-paying job.
i don't need a god.
i don't need anything but myself.

so just back the fuck off, kthanks.

out of place.

i have always felt like an outsider. the world seems to be just a few more steps in front of me and i am the one surreptitiously attached to some sort of "struggle bus" designed to catapult me into the realization that i might never be "in the right place". this is probably why i am somewhat of a nomad as of late; i find solace in the emptiness and continuity of the silence.

my own awkwardness was pointed out by a fellow coworker today. "you listen to cello concertos, you use big words and think too much about things that don't really matter." all of these things are true. my father imbedded in me a love of all things instrumental, especially when it comes to stringed instruments. (see also, yo-yo ma) as is he responsible for cultivating an expanse vernacular, a passion for language and the pursuit of knowledge. so really? blame my dad for me being such an odd kid. but i have become suspect that i might have found these oddities all on my own.

i am becoming further aware of my love of all things hauntingly beautiful; this is why i am drawn to the parisian lifestyle and classical music. most of it is positively depressing in the most emotionally-wrought way. take a look at my bookshelf and you'll see some of the most depressing reads. the stories of heartbreak have always beckoned to me. books allow me to delve into levels of my subconcious that otherwise i would have not been able to tap into. i am a lover of languages; the simple beauty of communication is not lost on me.

but like i said, i often find myself feeling somewhat alone. ironic, isn't it? a love of languages and communications so developed that it forces one into isolation, a state where at which communication is essentially meaningless. alright, maybe not ironic, but humorous nonetheless. although i am beginning to learn that maybe communication with the self is of the utmost importance.

further still, i think maybe i embrace the loneliness; a part of me feels more alive and in the "right place" in the feelings of desperation, in the pining and in the darkness. i find this to be one of the most honest and truthful facts about myself, probably because destruction came into me at such an early age and i have yet to give it up. i am bound to the feeling of sadness in an irrevocable way. there is a hole in my heart, a gap which remains to be filled up - and in a completely naked moment, i find myself never wanting that hole to be filled. sometimes a man is stranded on an island.

and rarer still, sometimes the man remains on the island of his own free will.

unspeakable.

when i have reconnected with several of my friends from illinois over the past few days, most of them are confused as to why i've relocated to portland, oregon. you see, most chicagoans have a hard time understanding that there is an entire world outside of our lovely, windy city. however, my decision had nothing to do with a falling out with chicago as some were lead to believe; i still am absolutely in love with the city and will at some point, most likely return to it. chicago will always be my home.

but for me, the decision to move to portland was more than just the natural progression to finish college. i was in part, running away from things i couldn't escape from in chicago. there were lessons i needed to learn that i didn't feel i could do while still immersed in my comfort zone. portland was an abberation, a letting go of an old skin and way of life; to state further, it is an eye-opening, or rather, soul-opening experience.

there are certain events that have happened to me, changed me, shaped me and molded me in irrevocable ways. some of them good, some of them bad and some of them downright painful and horrendous. some of them i have shared, but most of them i have not. there are still things i am trying to heal from, still things i am carrying and even, in some instances, find myself being completely burdened down by. these things are unspeakable and portland is going to be that step to take toward letting them out.

slowly but surely, i am getting there: i am finding my own voice and embracing the chances to grow. it's a long and lengthy process, but if nothing else, i believe myself to be a fighter. so one day hopefully not too far off, i'll find the courage to toss these things aside because i will no longer see the benefit of holding onto them. portland is just that place for me; a place to dream up possibilities and then achieve them. a place to rid myself of the fear and grow into a new skin of courage and gusto.

so the next time you ask when i'm here, i'll continue to say:
i'm here to begin again.

"lions make you brave,
giants give you faith,
death is a charade.
you don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid."
lions! by lights.

what you think you know about me.

you say i'm too tough for my own good. 
you say i push people away,
that i'll scare off anyone trying to get close.
you say i'm too harsh.
you say that i ignore you,
that i come off like i don't care.


if only you took the time,
if only you looked with more than just your eyes.
you'd see much more than the surface.
you might even see who i really am.


if only you took the time,
if only you made more of an effort.
you'd see the things i'm trying to show you.
you might even understand why.


---


i wrote this on one of my ten minute breaks.
inspired by a coworker who's first impression of me
was, what i would call, distorted.


it surprises me, sort of.
the things people think they see of me
versus the things i know to be true.
i'm a mess of contradictions, this i know.

i crave companionship, 
but i run the hell away from intimate settings.
i long for honesty and trust, 
but most times feel like those things don't exist anymore.
i love being free and not having a plan,
but i'm still a total control freak.
i come off like a huge egomaniac,
but most times, i'm just trying to keep the insecurities at bay.


i'm confusing, i get that.
but sometimes, it frustrates me that some people assume the worst.
they look before they leap and sometimes they don't even leap at all.