"it doesn't matter what i do or what i choose. i'm what's wrong. there's nothing i can do about it. if i'm not hurting myself, i'm hurting everyone around me. there's nothing i can do about it. i am, i am broken."

the above was a monologue from dexter by the character of deborah morgan. throughout my entanglement with this particular series, i have always loved her character, probably because i see pieces of myself in her. she's a hard-ass, independent, stubborn, strong woman; someone who generally puts her career first but knows when she's over-stepped her bounds, she knows herself and in this particular scene, she's been broken down after a chain of events that have serially spun out of her tightly wound control.

and today, today was one of my breaking points. the pot has been steaming for awhile now and it finally boiled over. i have been swimming in all of my uncertainties, in all of the things i should be, in all of the things i'm not. there are so many unanswered questions, so many faults i've left in my wake. and after all of these failed relationships, friendships or otherwise, they all end with broken ties. and this scene, i realized the same that deb realized. i am the common denominator. for so long i wondered why all of these relationships went sour and now i see, it's not what other people do that is wrong.

the problem is me.
and i don't know what to do to fix it.
or where to go from here.