so here's the thing.
i believed in love and its power.
i was optimistic about everything and left smiles in my midst.
then i met you and everything changed.
love wasn't just something i wrote about,
it was something i lived.

then you left and i was the mess you left in your wake.
i hit rock bottom and cried for days in and out.
i spend weeks wearing my bed, eating chocolate.

and after some time and great friends,
i learned to let myself out.
i recreated my world.
i learned how to laugh.
i painted myself anew.
and remember one very important fact:

 ..maybe not in the same purist way i used to,
but, i still believe in love.
i still believe that a happy ending is ahead.
and maybe, right now, i believe in loving myself.
i believe that i am the strongest, fiercest, truest friendship i have.

i'm not there yet, but i know that one day,
someone will come along and sweep me off my feet.
and i'll fall madly, inconveniently and passionately in love.

i believe that relationships end, seasons change and books end.
but, i also believe in love and hope and faith and the ability to grow.
so i guess the real point is,
even though i never thought this day would come, it has.
i loved you, i don't anymore.
i needed you, i don't anymore.

i'm just fine on my own.

new tattoo idea? quite probable.

you're the one that left me. you packed your bags and left behind the junk you no longer needed, which on that night, included me. you built a new jerusalem in a day, without a second thought or even the slightest hesitation. you didn't even care. i understand why, but i don't understand why. i just held my breath and explained that you did what you needed to do. no regrets. i know everything you did, because you did it to me. you burned the hell out of those bridges. it was like you were trying to remind me that you were never coming back, that you didn't need me or even want me. salt in the wound would have been less painful. so i tried to put you in the past. i got rid of your stuff, your ugly old gym shorts, the bottles of shampoo and conditioner you left behind, the pictures of us smiling. all of it in five black garbage bags. i make no apologies for how i went about rewriting my story. remember, you left me. i thought that meant you didn't care either. i did what i wanted and i didn't ask for advice on how to re-re-begin. i changed my hair and the rest of the tiny details. i recreated a whole new life in which you play no part, so i find it funny that just when i've decided i maybe could go on, that maybe i could move on and put it all in the past -- that you pick tonight to show up and ruin all my hardwork.

to start: it's been a hell of a couple years. several intimate relationships have ended. i have been officially termed as "anorexia nervosa, recovered. bulimia nervosa, recovered. depression, manageable." friendships i thought would last forever have seamlessly slipped through my fingertips. family members have been buried and now i am living in a completely different state, completely out of my comfort zone. this is the stage of the story no one ever records on. there's generally a beginning and sometimes an ending but no one ever reports on what happens in the pesky middle part.
for me, it's been a series of learning, accepting, crying, screaming, laughing and laying in my bed, feeling bogged down by complete and utter confusion. sometimes i forget what day it is or how to spell my name. sometimes i lose track of what i want or who i am. sometimes i just want to stay in bed and forget the world. but most of the time, i just take a deep breath and remember that life is pretty great, once you get passed all of the bs out there. and if you ever forget, there are really great friends out there to remind you.

;)

"it doesn't matter what i do or what i choose. i'm what's wrong. there's nothing i can do about it. if i'm not hurting myself, i'm hurting everyone around me. there's nothing i can do about it. i am, i am broken."

the above was a monologue from dexter by the character of deborah morgan. throughout my entanglement with this particular series, i have always loved her character, probably because i see pieces of myself in her. she's a hard-ass, independent, stubborn, strong woman; someone who generally puts her career first but knows when she's over-stepped her bounds, she knows herself and in this particular scene, she's been broken down after a chain of events that have serially spun out of her tightly wound control.

and today, today was one of my breaking points. the pot has been steaming for awhile now and it finally boiled over. i have been swimming in all of my uncertainties, in all of the things i should be, in all of the things i'm not. there are so many unanswered questions, so many faults i've left in my wake. and after all of these failed relationships, friendships or otherwise, they all end with broken ties. and this scene, i realized the same that deb realized. i am the common denominator. for so long i wondered why all of these relationships went sour and now i see, it's not what other people do that is wrong.

the problem is me.
and i don't know what to do to fix it.
or where to go from here.

the past is the past.

so while katie was here visiting me, she ended up talking me into getting a new tattoo (not that it was that difficult to do so, hah.) i have been yearning for a forearm tattoo for the longest time now and figured that now would be the best time to do so. it has been a crazy couple of months and i have learned and grown in ways i could have never imagined. and so to commemorate the breaking free and the breaking down, i knew birds had to be incorporated somehow. i also knew that i wanted to express my shedding of an old life, of things i no longer need and so a feather was also another strong choice.

i remember the exact moment that i found the image that inspired this tattoo. it was right after an intense breakup. on this particular night full of way too much alcohol, tears and bad decisions, i was wrapping up a phone conversation with a close guy friend and went online to get my mind off of my current life situation. naturally i went to one of my favorite blogs (a girl by the name of rachel) and i found the image posted. i immediately saved it, filled with feelings of hope and strength, which at the time, seemed so far off.

and now here i am: tear-free, boyfriend-less, eating disorder recovered, depression managed, cutting recovered. it has been a long journey from point a to point b, but here i am. i've finally made it. i've finally learned to trust in myself, believe in myself and most of all, love myself.

i let myself out.

just a little something from one of my favorite movies.


"at times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place,
but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad,
all you have to do is look hard enough.
and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events
may in fact be the first steps of a journey."

i was standing at the drive-thru window this morning, fully exhausted due to the three hours of sleep i had the previous night and a severe depravation of caffeine. under normal circumstances, this would have been the perfect recipe for angry, short-tempered tiffany, but instead, i found myself with a surge of happiness, of feeling like everything is right in the world. i've been so focused on not having a relationship to depend on that i completely missed out on the wonderful people i have in my life already.

katie, for instance. even though she's still living back home in illinois, we can be apart for weeks at a time, but pick up right where we left off everytime. i can tell her almost anything and i always know she'll be there for me, no matter what the cost. she is one of my absolute best friends and i can't imagine what life will be like if she ends up moving to portland. (here's hoping!)

one of the newest additions is mikel. we became friends through dailybooth and once he came to visit, our friendship was solidified. we have so much in common, but still butt heads from time to time. even when i feel lost, i can call or text him at any hour and find myself laughing within seconds. it's an unexpected friendship that i can't wait to bring new memories to.

and then there's my starbucks. i've only been there for a little less than two months and already, we're family. we're there when someone needs us, we hold back the drama and we joke and take things with a grain of salt. judah, courtney, jenise - you're my loves. i can't imagine surviving that place without you.

so, even though parts of my life are still empty,  there are some parts that are overflowing. life is a journey and here in portland, i feel like the best chapters are spilling out before me. and to be honest? i can't even begin to explain the excitement i feel in my bones. i finally know that right now, in this moment, i feel like i have found my home.

portland, ily.

a little bit sad tonight.

so i've noticed recently, 

i have this stupid thing in my body.

it's called a heart

and it really bugs the crap out of me.

for whatever reason, i keep being reminded of the past,

of why i shut down, of why i am generally apathetic when it comes to love.

i try to pretend that i am an optimist, but with the history that is my life,

people come and go too frequently.

so i push people away,

i walk away into empty spaces, trying to understand,

make sense of why i am constantly being the one left behind.

truth is: i am afraid.

i want someone i can lean on, trust in and believe in.

i just want some fucking consistency.

currently playing:

"saviour (acoustic)" by lights.

good enough never is.

the title of this particular blogpost came from my ap senior english teacher. it was the first day of class and she was explaining the syllabus and the expectations she held for us during that year. she explained that she was sick of receiving papers that in her opinion "were half-assed" -- when you sit back in your chair, throw your hands up and say, "good enough" to her, that sounded like giving up. good enough never is. little did she know, this phrase would be what launched me into my deepest, darkest moments.

i had always had self-confidence issues. whether it was comparing my dancing to other girls i took ballet with, over-studying for my pre-calculus test or working two different jobs when i was in high school - it never seemed good enough. i never seemed good enough. i was constantly try to fill shoes that were too big for me. when i got to college, it got even worse. i was flown into an entirely new, exciting world where the stakes were even higher. it was all too much for me to handle and in an effort to feel stronger, i started restricting my eating habits. it started off small; skipping a meal here or there. but then it got bigger; going days without eating. then it became full out obsession; food was everything i talked about, thought about and cared about: calories, fat intake, workout schedules, protein absorption, diet pills, whatever i could get my hands on.

after multiple hospital stays, three stomach ulcers, countless therapy sessions and calorie plans, here i am, five years later and my docket reads: anorexia nervosa, recovered; bulimia nervosa, recovered.

but what does the even really mean? i'm still me, a mess of insecurities, compulsions and fears. i still count every single calorie in my head and i still know how long it will take me to burn off those calories. i still criticize myself every time i buy a pair or jeans or anytime i feel like i've eaten "just a little too much". there's the constant fear that i'll suddenly lose my way, slip up and give up everything again. going back to anorexia would feel like going home again and i'd be lying if there wasn't a huge part of me that is addicted to the way it makes me feel.

but the absolute truth? the only thing that's keeping me hanging on? the ability to live. anorexia steals that from you in an almost undetectable way -- it's the ultimate sacrifice, the ultimate irony in life; giving up your rights and your will to live for a feeling that has never made you feel so alive. you're convinced that you're strong and in control, when really, you're bound by the cage, because if you move too many steps in the wrong direction, you're the one who's lost control.

so for me, it is a battle everyday but it's one i am willing to fight.
because really, living in a hospital bed, hooked up to IVs and feeding tubes,
for me, that's no way to live.
and neither is living in a cage.

a hepburn living in a hilton world.

"tiffany, i don't mean to be rude or come off like a jerk-off, but when i first started talking to you, i thought you were a lesbian."

i've given a considerable amount of thought into this blog post and i feel now, more than ever, is the correct time to express my thoughts on this matter. the above quotation was taken from one of our regulars at starbucks, with whom i've had many long conversations with. we discuss everything from fashion, commerce, politics, religion, our worldviews, etc - there is nary a topic we will not debate. we were discussing our love lives as of late and he remarked on his impression of who i was. naturally, i was taken aback; what about me would lead him to this conclusion. and there it came, like a flash of lightning: "you're an intellectual. you read, you boast educated opinions and you're forthcoming with your concepts of an idealistic society. all of these things scream out the term power lesbian in my head."

now, i am not sure if eric is just being a small-minded prick or if maybe, he's on to something here. it wasn't until my latest MAX rides that this theory began plaguing me more and more. the conversations i happen to eavesdrop on generally circle around topics like who's marrying whom in hollywood, who holds the record on survivor, which girl threw up at which party and in what room and the like. it seems like we've gone from a country of audrey hepburn's and jackie kennedy's into ke$ha's and lady gaga's. it's all getting drunk, acting a fool and throwing caution to the wind. when did us girls lose our sense of class, dignity and self-reliance?

it breaks my heart to think that our society has gone from such strong powerful women figures to what i view as a detrimental break in judgment. now headlines read lines about coke deals, battles with bulimia/anorexia, jail breaks and sex tapes - where at one point we were all admiring mother theresa's limitless acts of simple love, audrey hepburn's poise and know-how with the less fortunate and jackie kennedy's political know-how.

i don't know how we got here or where the break occured, but somewhere along the way, women forgot how to cultivate themselves. we settled for getting C's because we wanted the cute boy to tutor us, we flashed our thongs for the homecoming king's attention and wound up losing more than a few IQ points. like i said, heartbreaking stuff here.

so where do i find myself in this mess? don't get me wrong, i appreciate lady gaga's unique new vision and her groundbreaking ways of busting out of the norm. but donning a meat dress? showing the world your cooter? these are not things i think should be held in high regard. cultivating knowledge, inspiring growth - these are things you should think about.

sure, reality television is amusing and trashy magazines are great fodder for a random slumber party, but as a constant way of life? please, i'll pass. hand me a good book, a glass of tea and a stimulating conversation any day.

so girls, before you drink down those twelve consecutive shots of jameson, let's pause for a moment and consider the facts. because, believe me, sometimes, it's best to err on the side of caution.

and as always, love, t.

in pieces?

i had a pretty excellent day. having the day off from work, i was able to sleep in and take things in my own stride. on my way to the library, i came across four different huge piles of leaves, so naturally, i jumped in each and every one of them. no second thoughts, no hesitation. i think i gave the old lady sitting in her car a good laugh. upon entering the library, i noticed that season three of the dexter series was waiting for me, as well as another book i had requested months ago. (finally!) next, i decided to stop into the rite-aid and found that their entire hair dye selection was on sale. 

it was gorgeous, sunshiney and warm - atypical for portland in the fall. so for all intents and purposes, today should have been a fantastic day. but for some reason, a dark cloud loomed over my entire day.

it wasn't until a few moments ago that i realized why. as i reflect on the past, i've noticed that even though i have "moved on" from previous romantic relationships and broken friendships, i'm still hurt from them. i still bear the scars. i still wear the bruises. and sometimes, when you've been hurt to your very core, over and over and over again by people you trusted most - a wall begins to form.

i find myself, an architect. after hurt word, after every punch and every blow, brick by brick, i learned to shut myself off. i cut myself off because sooner or later, everyone would hurt me, so what was the point of letting people in. 

there's a part of me that is still afraid that the people around me will rip everything to shreds.

 now playing:
"here i dreamt i was an architect" by the decemberists. 

hmph. i'm lonely tonight, err, not really lonely, but just, aware of my state of being alone. i just wish i knew someone here. someone i could just call up and cuddle with. someone i could laugh with and just keep it simple with. i don't want a boyfriend. i don't want the drama and the worries about the future. i just want someone to enjoy the moment with.

there are a few people i could call up, but there's always something lacking. i want more than just good conversation, i guess. i want a spark, an excitement, but i'm not about to lower my standards just to fill some void; that's not fair to them or me. i guess i just want a good guy friend - like kyle, jt or erik. i've constantly been surrounded by authentic guy friends and now, i'm all by my little lonesome. it's getting to me a little bit more than i expected. i guess i just want someone i can count on.

i'm hoping i'll be able to meet some genuine people once i start classes in january. but until then? i don't know. turn the other cheek? november won't be so bad though; katie and alex arrive this weekend and mike will be back hopefully around thanksgiving. so i guess i just need to keep my chin up. focus on work, on writing my book and figuring myself out. who knows, maybe something will catch me by surprise. you know how life can be ;) 

as always, love, t.

currently reading: 

one hundred days of solitude by jane dobisz.

i've grown.

it wasn't until recently that it finally hit me. i was standing in the middle of some stranger's kitchen at a halloween party, dressed up as a lifeguard. i was feeling pretty uncomfortable and body concious in my "one size too small, shows every flaw, skin-tight" bathing suit. then by a trick of fate, some gorgeous girl complimented my hair and makeup. she also told me i had a smile that brightened the entire room. of course she was a lesbian and probably just trying to get into my pants, but regardless, it changed my whole entire attitude that night.

and it happened again tonight, after a chat with one of my girlfriends from back home. she was going on and on about how she'll never measure up, how she'll never be good enough. my heart broke for her, but even more, because i realized that not three years ago, i was in the same boat.

i didn't always used to be, but i'm strong now. i'm independent and know my worth. i can ditch loser boyfriends and friends that are just trying to use me. i can speak my mind without losing my nerve. i can eat and not count every teensy tiny little calorie. i can don five inch high heels because i've strutted down many a'miles in chicago, in the snow, in a mini-skirt. don't get me wrong, i still have my days where i feel the battle is bigger than me. i feel like my jeans will never button and i shouldn't have eaten that last cupcake (or the last three.. i might have an addiction!). sometimes i look at 5'10 women and wish i had their gazelle-like features, with every hair in the right place and not a spot on their clothes.

but the truth is, if you're constantly comparing yourself, you're only ever going to be second best.. and maybe you're a "settling for second place" kind of person - but me? second place is never good enough. i want to be the very best version of me -- a woman that embraces her flaws, accepts her humanity and walks with style and grace; a woman who is independent, knowledgeable, considerate and welcoming; a woman who radiates love, inside and outside.

so like i said, i didn't always used to be,
but somewhere along the line, i realized just how important it is to love myself.
because let's be honest, i'm going to be with myself for a long, long time,
so we might as well be friends, eh?

as always, love, t.
(ps, it is my hope that you will be inspired to tell the women in your life just how wonderful they are, because you never know the impact of a kind word, or loving embrace, or smallest act of love.)