rewrite
[r-rt] verb.
1. to write again, especially in a different or improved form; revise.




my life has been a process of writing, rewriting, scratching out lines, filling in blanks, rewriting it again, crinkling the paper, throwing it in the trash and then going back to retrieve it, just to edit it all over again. i think, double think, triple think everything, especially when it comes to matters of my heart. 

i've had several previous failed relationships that left me broken, without an instruction manual telling me how to go about reassembling the broken pieces. for so long, i left myself to marinate in that pain, in that sorrow. it's in that space where my doubt and frustration began to flourish and so brick by brick, i began to build a wall so thick around my heart that even those closest to me couldn't break it down. i continuously taught myself to think with my brain and to just ignore my heart, because yes life is scary alone but a broken heart was scarier. 


it wasn't until recently that i realized just how thick that wall actually is. i will say this of time spent alone, you have a lot of time to be alone (and think). it's in these quiet moments, you can end up revealing yourself to yourself. the good, the bad and the downright painful. i have come face to face with some of my own personal demons, things i never wanted to face head-to-head. but now having come out of those battles alive, i have gained a full-circle knowledge of my view on relationships, of trusting people, letting people in and that pesky thing called love -- and i can confidently and proudly say, i am beginning to rewrite my stance on matters of the heart.


yes, my ability to trust others is easier said than done and yes, i am deathly afraid of having my heart broken yet again - but, and maybe this makes me a bit of a hopeless romantic, but i believe in the beauty of a warm embrace, the thrill of kisses, the mystery of a secret glances across the room and all of the stomach-flipping, heart-throbbing, fingernail-biting excitement. i have noticed one undeniable truth: the moments i've held onto the longest time, the moments i've felt most alive and felt the happiest are moments where i've thrown caution to the wind, put myself out on a limb and ignored my head and listened to my heart.


it knows me better than i know myself. 

ps, i listened to: "ready to love again" by lady antebellum whilst writing this post. 
it's lovely and i hope it inspires you to break down some walls of your own. 
as always, love, t.