Excerpt from MAX Musings.

December 29, 2010
"i know, riiiight?"

i had just left work and as i was walking up to the blue line, i called my friend mikel for his address. i was about to ship off his christmas present but realized i had the wrong one. as per the usual, i had missed the first blue line and was forced to wait for the next one. mikel and i chatted on, killing the wait time. overseeing a couple in an argument, i made a comment about my own relationship fears. mikel then interjected and expressed his opinions on my fear of relationships in general, not just those romantically-entangled. he was worried that i had begun to build up a wall so high that barely anyone would be able to break it down. stunned by his honesty, i sat down on the nearest bench and began to explain my side. "i've been hurt so many times, walked all over so many times, isn't it only natural to build up a wall?" the girl who had also been sitting on the bench perked up and scooted closer to me. i figured she needed to stretch her legs or readjust her position, so i continued, "part of me just expects people to screw me over and if they don't initially, it seems to be only a matter of time before they do." at this point, the girl that had been scooting closer and closer to me, finally broke down, put her hand on mine and as i looked up, her smooth caramel eyes met mine and she hollered out, "girrrrl, i know, riiight?!" we shared a quick laugh and then she went on, "these people be hatin' all the time, so it's instinct to self-protect, especially when it comes to them boys. best idea is to use 'em, then lose 'em." it must have been the honesty in my eyes or the emptiness in my smirk, because then she automatically knew. "i know girl. when you fall for someone, you give them your whole heart. the ones that mean the most, you can't just throw them away." i smirked and gave out a sigh. "it's hard being an optimist in a world that's trying so hard to turn me into a pessimist. people are constantly proving that there isn't much good left out there, so yeah i've built up walls. like you said, gotta self-protect." mikel snickered at both of us, upset that we would even question other people's motives. the eternal realist in him stated, "there are people out there that are worth it, but you'll miss out on them if you're stuck behind your own fears." the girl next to me overheard mikel's "pearls of wisdom" then rolled her eyes and said that it was tiring wading through all the bullshit to find the good eggs. to which i said a resounding, "i hear that sistaaa." she laughed, half at me, half with me and said, "girl, you're so white!" then the long-awaited blue line met us at the station and we went our separate ways. i hung up with mikel, afraid i'd lose cell phone reception on the commute. while i was staring out at rainy ol' portland, a few women approached me, apologized for eave's dropping on the previous conversation and agreed with what was said. "it is natural to be on the defensive.." then there were several men in the next seats over that joined the conversation. the men seemed to take the same stance mikel did: "give it time, there are good people out there. you've just got to be open to these sorts of things." the women did not agree. it seems to me that apparently as women after a certain number of failed relationships, we're bound to close off, shut down and forget about even trying. we build up walls and commit yourself to the ways of self-preservation. we learn to depend on ourselves and ourselves alone. and it's there, in that spacious emptiness, where the original optimism used to reside, that's where doubt, pain and pessimism begin to flourish. as we were nearing the 82nd street stop, our heated debate simmered somewhat and i was left there to sit by my lonesome. as i turned my attention back to the window, one final woman sat down next to me. after taking in a few deep breaths, she somberly said, "you know, maybe i was too quick to judge back there.. it's true, i've been hurt in irreversible ways, but i wouldn't call myself a pessimist. sure, i can get on the defensive, but it's easy to shut down once you've been hurt. it's harder to keep believing." and with that, she seemed to have released some of her own pain. as she was about to step off the MAX line, she looked back at me and said, "i hope one day you'll open up again, because love really is worth it." then the doors closed and the MAX continued on its way to the 60th stop, where i was getting off. the rest of the ride, i couldn't help but think of my own inner pessimist. maybe i do shut down in fear, maybe in doing so, i end up taking the easy route. maybe we are all of us afraid to get hurt, but then, maybe that woman was onto something. maybe if we always stay clammed up, we could miss out on something truly great. who knows? lightning could strike.

hope you guys enjoyed
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love always, t.