perfectionist
[per-fek-shuh-nist] noun.
1. a person who adheres to or believes in perfectionism.
2. a person who demands perfect of himself, herself or others.
adjective.
1. of, pertaining to or distinguished by perfection or perfectionism.


it's become ever so clear to me as of late, my extreme fear of failure, of disappointment. i'm not so much afraid of letting other people down. i already am fully aware i will never be the daughter my parents want me to be. i will never be the girl the world is trying to make me into. of these facts, i am fully aware and at peace with. don't get me wrong, a part of me strives to meet other's expectations, but not meeting them doesn't send me hurling into some sort of existential crisis. but what keeps me up at night, what literally holds me full of anxiety with is not meeting my own personal standards. i'm terrified of disappointing myself. this may seem like a normal problem. everyone sets personal goals, things they wish to achieve and everyone is afraid of not meeting said goals. this in turn they define as a failure. and then there are some, so plagued by the anxiety of failing, we stand on the sidelines instead of playing in the game. i have found myself on several occasions, weighing the options at such great length, listing every pro and con that i find myself missing out.

i guess the biggest arena of potential failure right now involves this whole concept of going back to school. i play it over and over again in my head. i am a perfectionist, fact. going back to school should be only second nature to me and yet, here i am, deferring another quarter. seems silly, right? yes, especially if you actually know me. i am the sort of kid that loves going to school. i love office supplies. i love back to school shopping. i love note taking. i love learning. these are all well-known truths about tiffany and yet. and yet. and yet. i keep making excuses not to go back because the truth is: i'm afraid. i'm afraid of failing at the one thing i feel i know how to do. i'm afraid some teacher is going to put me in my place. i'm afraid that my dream of writing until my dying day will be shot down by some failing grade. i'm deathly afraid of failing grades, of not being able to get a handle on things. so here i am, deferring yet another quarter. like i said, sitting on the sidelines.

but if there's anything i've learned in life, it's that: the time for hesitation is through. i can keep making excuses until i'm blue in the face, but if i'm continuously making excuses, i will end up eighty years old, wondering where my life went. i refuse to sit here (or there) and wonder what if.

so, hellooooo summer quarter.
time to put up or shut up, tiffany.