ex-pend-a-ble.

expendable.
adjective; 
1. (of an object) designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed.
2. of little significance when compared to an overall purpose, and therefore able to be abandoned.

i never needed you, never asked for you.
but there, suddenly, upon my doorstep you were.
i never asked anything from you,
never had any expectations,
but in the blink of an eye,
i was swept off my feet, enveloped in trust,
thinking that this would never end,
could never end.

it wasn't just one time.
if it were, i would have just walked in the other direction,
soaked my hands and washed it all away.
i could have admitted defeat,
accepted that i wasn't what you were looking for.
but no, over time, it just grew and grew.
well, mine did.
you can change your feelings.
i can't help mine.

so i'm the one left sitting on the road,
looking up to the stars, the heavens,
screaming out to some foreign deity,
one i don't even think exists,
but you told me to believe, to just have hope.
so here i am, drenched in my sorrow,
in the wetness of the sprinklers,
in all of my doubt, your lies.

what was it worth.
i can only be curious.
i hope replacement me feels just as good,
fills all of the holes you're trying
to convince yourself you don't feel.

it's fine, i'll be okay
i don't need an apology,
or even any pity.

i've got this,
i'm used to being on my own.
i know i am strong
and that i do not need you.

i just hope it was worth it.

there's this thing called love.
true, mad, passionate, all-consuming,
inconvenient, inspiring, no-holds-bar love.
and i've felt it once and it broke my heart.
i've held back and hesitated so many times,
and i'm just wondering,
if maybe,
i could open myself back up.

because every girl deserves to hear this:

"i've got to say something cuz,
i don't think i've made it clear.
i'm in love with you,
powerfully, painfully in love.
the things you do,
the way you think,
the way you move,
i get excited every time
i'm about to see you.
you make me feel like
i've never felt before in my life,
like i'm a man.
i just thought you might want to know."
_xander to anya.
from buffy season five, episode 10
"into the woods"

frail.

adjective.
(of a person) weak and delicate.
easily damaged or broken. 


this word, 
generally associated with weakness of self,
i find to be misleading.
i am frail.
i am delicate.
but no, i am not weak.
i am easily damaged
and can break easily.
but no, i am not weak.

the mountains have moved,
the seasons have changed,
but so have i.
no, i am not weak.

i am still here, 
standing, breathing, living.
you said it couldn't be done,
you said i'd fail, that i'd give up.
you were wrong. 
i am not weak.

it has taken me awhile
and maybe i do not run the course you'd like me to,
the seas have fought against me,
the cuts on me are deep,
the wounds, still showing,
but no, i am not weak.


you protest 
and still i stand.
no, i am not weak.

just a simple letter.

dear
extravagant you,

we keep running in circles,
trying to stitch these worn-out fabrics,
mending these frays, trying just to
bring them together.

in held back breaths, i keep these secrets
hidden within the crevices.
i long to whisper these simple words
into your ears, sinking straight
right, down
into your heart.

things are topsy-turvy
and the ground feels like
it is not our's to walk upon
but when will consistency
ever be consistent.
one cannot judge the weather,
she is a flighty sneak.

so let us run away,
dream up our own town,
sketch out the trees and the buildings
leaving space for you and space for me.

i want to believe
that these broken things can be
mended.
stitched.
brought together.

sincerely,
simple me.

i believe there are people out there,
in the world, walking next to you on the street
that are put there specifically to make you feel bad.

for some people:
it's their parents.
for others:
it's their spouse.
someone setting guidelines,
endless ladders with endless stairs,
a constant battle to become better,
to succeed, to keep reaching
to attain some unattainable nothing.

for me, it's everything i can't become.
things you want me to believe,
ideals you want me to hold,
the me you want me to be.
ITSTRANGLESME.

stop trying to change me.
that isn't love;
love doesn't perpetuate conditions.
love just is.



so either,
love me
or
let
me
go.


because i can't keep pretending
and i can't keep coming back
to what i'm just never going to be.

and if that's what needs to happen,
then i'm totally okay
with
g
o
o
d
b
y
e.