flashbacks.

For the past three nights, I've had these rather intense dreams. sometimes i'm in some magical land made entirely of candy, sometimes i'm surrounded by nothing but blankets, pillows and long streams of fabrics - but in every single dream, i've been made to face a bridge i've burned somewhere along the way. oftentimes more often that not, it's been a boy i was involved with at one point or another. if it was me who wronged, i attempt an apology in dreamland and suddenly i find myself without breath, without speech and without recognition of the self. if it is them who has wronged, i find myself free-falling into a dark abyss.


it's generally at this point, i find myself abruptly awoken by the shaking of my own body- terrified, anxious and out of breath. it's as if my brain is trying to work out the missing gaps of the past; as if the act of settling things in dreamland could equalize things in my actual waking life; but as we all know, dreams are not reality. there are still questions left unanswered, hearts that remain broken and things left unsaid. a lot of blank spaces filled with the emptiness and longing. 


they stated it best in the movie the virgin suicides:
"no matter how we tried to put the pieces back together, gaps remained. like countries we couldn't name."


but i can't help but wonder what life might be like if i ever perchance ran into these "bridges burnt" -- if maybe one day, we might be able to reach a place of healing, of forgiveness. i guess a part of me will always be trying to solve the unsolveable, answer the unanswerable -- i am constantly trying to fit the pieces together.