I slept in til noon and then Sarah and I spent the day outside.
The trees' flowers were in full bloom, the petals filling the swirling air,
whilst the breeze danced in our hair and then sun melted on our skin.
We walked along the riverfront, people watching, picture taking.
And all of those stresses that have been piling up,
all of those emotions I've felt choking me lately, they suddenly disappeared.
I forgot how soothing the summer can be, how sweet the simple things are.

The truth is, life is hard, curve balls come our way all the time,
but if you take the time to notice, the smallest things can change your world.

For me, it's the scent of summer air, the windows rolled down,
smiles on stranger's faces, the cling and clank of dishes at a coffee shop,
even a corny 90s pop song that we sing at the top of our lungs.

"Can't you see I'm free. Can't you see I'm free. I am free. I'm not going back."
not going back by maddison williams, my lovely glorious friend.

So I challenge you to embrace life's little surprises.
Because it's in the smallest moment that you notice your life changing dramatically.
and as always, love, tiff.

flashbacks.

For the past three nights, I've had these rather intense dreams. sometimes i'm in some magical land made entirely of candy, sometimes i'm surrounded by nothing but blankets, pillows and long streams of fabrics - but in every single dream, i've been made to face a bridge i've burned somewhere along the way. oftentimes more often that not, it's been a boy i was involved with at one point or another. if it was me who wronged, i attempt an apology in dreamland and suddenly i find myself without breath, without speech and without recognition of the self. if it is them who has wronged, i find myself free-falling into a dark abyss.


it's generally at this point, i find myself abruptly awoken by the shaking of my own body- terrified, anxious and out of breath. it's as if my brain is trying to work out the missing gaps of the past; as if the act of settling things in dreamland could equalize things in my actual waking life; but as we all know, dreams are not reality. there are still questions left unanswered, hearts that remain broken and things left unsaid. a lot of blank spaces filled with the emptiness and longing. 


they stated it best in the movie the virgin suicides:
"no matter how we tried to put the pieces back together, gaps remained. like countries we couldn't name."


but i can't help but wonder what life might be like if i ever perchance ran into these "bridges burnt" -- if maybe one day, we might be able to reach a place of healing, of forgiveness. i guess a part of me will always be trying to solve the unsolveable, answer the unanswerable -- i am constantly trying to fit the pieces together.

This may sound a bit new age of me, but after a long talk with Bethany last night, I'm pretty much okay with sounding a bit new-agey. We were each of us talking about how we are generally optimistic, happy people. The world is at our fingertips, so to speak. We've got jobs that pay our bills, roofs over our heads, food in our bellies and friends to call upon for company or sympathy. When you look at the big picture, we've each got it made.

And that for us, is enough.

Now granted, things aren't perfect and each of us struggle with lots of extraneous factors - but on the whole, we find ourselves generally pretty content with the lives we lead. The root cause, we both noticed had one underlying factor: happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. Yes, sometimes over-the-top situations force sadness (ie, death/loss) but at the end of the day, you choose to curl up into bed and let those negative emotions rule over you. Don't get me wrong, it's perfectly normal to grieve a loss and be sad and take time for yourself. It is of the utmost importance to feel your feelings, but believe me when I state that there is a definite point in which the feelings you feel begin to overtake you and your capacity to be happy.

Take today for example.
It is a gloomy Portland day. I am running on five hours of sleep and am quite exhausted mentally. I have several extraneous stressors in my life. Then when I go grocery shopping, I fell into a mud puddle. One of my grocery bags ripped on the way home and at that exact moment, it began to rain furiously. I was soaked, head to toe. Now for all intents and purposes, today has made me its bitch and is determined to get me down -- but my spirit remains intact.

The simple fact: happiness is a choice. And instead of letting my stressors and pains grab hold of me, I have chosen instead to embrace the crap and laugh. I put on some happy music, ate a yummy cookie and now the world is right again. Yes, sometimes it's nice to curl up in bed, hide under the blankets and take a nap - I am all about the loveliness and comfort of a nap - but at some point, you've got to wake up, go for a run and kick the crap out of life and it's stressors.

Because this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time. ;)

Every time a nighttime breeze sweeps through the 4:45am Portland air, I find myself like a little kid on Christmas: filled with excitement, anxiousness and the belief in the possibilities. I take deep breaths, letting the cool air overtake me, the tingle reaching its swirling point down in my toes. Then I exhale out all of my insecurities and anxieties, letting go of all the things that haunt me.

I remember feeling less secure three years ago. I remember being lost in my swarm of blankets, pillows, doubts and longings; the emptiness blossomed in my inability to navigate lonely seas. I felt as though I was an island. I even recall telling a good friend that I didn't believe "I had any start up left in me". I look back on that past Tiffany and wonder how differently I might have turned out had I not been surrounded by such an amazing gaggle of friends.

And now, hearing that phrase stream over and over in my head once again, I realize the start-up power I thought I had once lost forever is now overwhelming me. I am filled up to the brim in excitement for the future, for the road that lies ahead. I find myself itching to experience more than what is within my grasp. I want to truly feel the expanse of the land beneath my feet and I want to drink in more of its wild air. Portland is just the beginning.

Because though I've lost my way from time to time,
I am constantly reminded that I truly am: in love with the entire world.


I hope you never lose your sense of adventure,
your longing for passion or your desire to explore the open roads.
And as always, love, tiff.