a white blank page and a swelling rage.
"white blank page" by mumford and sons. 


no line in a song has better described the exact chasm i've found myself in these last few days. i have this bright future ahead of me. a new city to explore, friendships to be made and dreams to chase - and yet. i was standing in my apartment at 4am the other night, in a white wife-beater tank top, my favorite pair of royal blue toned boy short underwear, grasping a cup of vanilla rooibos tea. i stood looking out at the world passing by my window and all of a sudden, i became filled with anxiety, with the pressure of the road ahead. 


it seems these days i am left with nothing but questions and answers that eventually lead to more questions. it's as if chaos is the method and nothing will ever steady itself. every time i feel as though i have a handle on it, something blows up in my face. friendships lost, hearts broken, parents divorcing, lies being told, bridges being burned. 


i'm standing completely still but the world is spinning faster and faster. life keeps moving and doesn't stop for anyone, of this fact i am aware -- but couldn't it slow down for just a moment?


i need to find my footing.