i am sitting here at panera, with my cup filled with diet pepsi and lemon slices within my grasp. a cold breeze surrounds me and i'm waiting for my newest youtube video to upload; the topic: sex industry workers. "mercy me" by london sings on in the background. 


"mercy me. how can this be? 
i let you down. you let me go.
yeah, you let me go."

i've been wondering a lot about my role in this world, wondering what it is that i have to bring to this table of life. my writing, my voice, my opinion, my inhibition and my confidence - these are strengths of mine, components of myself that i have developed over time. when i think about the minor success of my youtube channel, the interaction of people across the seas and on different continents - i am inspired. there is a connectivity that the internet brings us that no other form of communication has even touched. i want to do more. i am thinking about starting up a "portland speaks!" segment which would incorporate the voices of people in and around the portland metro area. i am going to take the issues i am passionate about, issues that are in current media and approach people about their own opinions regarding the particular topic. 


i've been thinking about this series for a long time and have hesitated on it for awhile, mostly in part due to my own shyness, but a part of me feels a strong urge to involve people into my channel. i want to report on the issues, not just offer up my own half-hearted opinions. i am quite excited to see where it leads and the things that will unfold with it's birth. 


stay tuned to my channel for more videos and the new series!
http://www.youtube.com/user/tiffstatic

and as always, love, t. 

 

a white blank page and a swelling rage.
"white blank page" by mumford and sons. 


no line in a song has better described the exact chasm i've found myself in these last few days. i have this bright future ahead of me. a new city to explore, friendships to be made and dreams to chase - and yet. i was standing in my apartment at 4am the other night, in a white wife-beater tank top, my favorite pair of royal blue toned boy short underwear, grasping a cup of vanilla rooibos tea. i stood looking out at the world passing by my window and all of a sudden, i became filled with anxiety, with the pressure of the road ahead. 


it seems these days i am left with nothing but questions and answers that eventually lead to more questions. it's as if chaos is the method and nothing will ever steady itself. every time i feel as though i have a handle on it, something blows up in my face. friendships lost, hearts broken, parents divorcing, lies being told, bridges being burned. 


i'm standing completely still but the world is spinning faster and faster. life keeps moving and doesn't stop for anyone, of this fact i am aware -- but couldn't it slow down for just a moment?


i need to find my footing.