safe boundaries?

tonight and forever, the damnwells.

i've noticed i'm somewhat of a loner these days.
about four years ago, i abhorred being alone;
i constantly surrounded myself with friends, strangers, whoever.
the thought of being alone scared me; i was trying to avoid the silence.
afraid of what it might bring up to the surface, things i must have been running from.


maybe it's a part of growing up or getting older and wiser,
but somewhere along the way, i learned how to really enjoy the quiet, 
to immerse myself in the surroundings, not just the people. 
i can spend whole days by myself and be completely content,
whereas before, even an hour alone felt completely debilitating.


i used to need so much from people:for reassurance, for comfort, for peace, for a myriad of other things.
i never left room for myself. i was an after-thought, 
whereas other people were the forefront; and i used to give my ENTIRE heart in return.
but of course, giving your whole heart does not leave much left for you.
it leaves you exposed, vulnerable and maybe after taking a few hits,
i sealed my heart off a bit.


i don't give myself fully anymore. i put up walls. 
i make excuse. i hide away and i emotionally cut-off.
i keep most people at a distance, at a controlled, safe distance.
maybe i'm too afraid of getting hurt again. maybe it's pride. 
maybe it's part of evolving past needing emotional relationships. 

maybe losing yourself in relationships isn't healthy.
but then again, maybe being emotionally distant isn't either.
maybe there is a happy middle.
maybe, just maybe,
i just need to meet the right people, the right person. 


... or maybe whoever said "no man is an island" was a complete moron.

use somebody, kings of leon.

i had this customer today at starbucks who came up to my walk-up window.

i asked him if there was anything i could get him, my usual smile splashed across my face.

after he order his iced quad venti four pump hazelnut soy latte, he hesitated,

"you've got a smile that could light up this whole town."

i laughed and made a joke about how lyrics are a cliche way to pick up a lady.

he smiled, "i meant it as a compliment, to give you some sunshine."

and of course, i joked once again, commenting on the peculiar oregon sunshine

and how it's surprising warmth was all i needed to brighten my day,

but that i will always be happy to receive a compliment from a cute guy.

quickly rushing to serve the customers behind him, 

i handed off his drink and moved on. 

a half hour later, thankful for the brief moment to catch my breath,
i ranted to my co-workers about how stressful life has been lately,
and then the previous gentleman presented himself again;

i bit my lip and asked if something was wrong with his drink.

he looked down and said that the drink was perfectly made, 
that it tasted like "an unexpected sunny afternoon."

i blushed and once again, he commented on my smile.

"don't ever stop smiling. that's the kind that melts hearts, the one that stops traffic."

i told him that i have never been one to stop traffic and am thankful, because that might cause accidents.

he shook his head, almost in disappointment and surprised me with what he said next.

"i know i don't really know you 
and this might come off creepy from someone you just met,
but you have a gorgeous smile. you should be proud of that.
you don't always have to be strong. you can let that guard down
and let someone come in and give you a compliment.
it's okay and a beautiful girl like you deserves it."

and then he turned around and left.

no further come-on's. no pick up lines. no number left. 
no attempts to try to get in my pants.

just that. simple. earnest. quick to the point. 

sometimes i forget that i don't always have to be strong.

that i don't always have to fight. 
that sometimes i can let my guard down

and smile and take some things to heart.

because really,

this world, is really beautiful.

(if you can learn to let it in.)

 

at bipartisan cafe; yes, again.

song of the day:

every direction is north, el ten eleven.

  -------------

after starting the day off with some orange blossom tea,

elyse and i decided to set out on some adventuring.

we hit up portland's saturday market, but first of course, 

we had to purchase ourselves some coffee.

once the java kicked in, we laughed our way through the endless sea of booths:

trying on funny hats, admiring polaroid photography and eying several gifts for friends.

if there's one thing portland knows how to do, it's one-of-a-kind trinkets and souvenirs.

feeling a little overwhelmed and claustrophobic, we decided to enjoy the sunshine,

meandering up and down the walkway down by the willamette river. 

we made jokes, commented on how wonderful the weather was and snapped a few pictures.

after some aimless wandering and a trip to trader joe's, we set off for home.

naturally i couldn't stay cooped up inside the apartment,

so here i am, once again, at bipartisan cafe.

(off se stark for those portlanders interested!)

a nice 3mile bike ride from my house, i enjoy the saturday sounds and delicious iced coffee.

with people sitting around reading the newspaper, a father reading to his son, kids doing their homework,

a woman's solitary afternoon, a couple on a date and little me, sitting in the corner, people watching. 

someone asks me for directions to the nearest MAX line

and it suddenly dawns on me:

it's taken a little while, but after a little less than two months, 

portland is really starting to feel like home.

i have a cursory knowledge of the city and no longer get lost on my way home,

i stumbled upon a starbucks barista job with regulars that fill me with endless giggles,

and school will be starting on monday. 

after the stress of the last six months and the loss of my grandma,

now, more than ever, i feel a connection to this city, to these surroundings.

i feel a wave of new air in my lungs and a bounce in my step. 

i cannot wait to see what new experiences lay ahead.

and really, what's even more exciting,

this is just the beginning..

at bipartisan cafe.

"once more with feeling"

by: get cape wear cape fly

don't let the silence get you down, 

though you've been sitting here for hours, 

hoping a voice could soon be found that speaks louder than this music.

for you're a little off colour and out for the count, 

don't let it get you down.

don't let the talking keep you up, 

if they're your friends, they'll share your vision. 

and as the phone rings break the silence, 

they don't figure that you don't want to answer.

for you're a little off colour and tired of the sound,

don't let it get you down.

don't let the people make you think that just because

you're young you're useless. 

you know it's not naive to think that you can 

change the things around and that no man is an island.

for i'd rather be a pebble in an ocean vast and 

drown alone than make no sound.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

i've felt pretty helpless lately.

no job. no friends. no real connection to my new life here.

i'm in a coffee shop surrounded by people and i'm floating

in the vast ocean, hoping someone will notice when and if

i slip beneath the surface.

this song though, keeps me floating; reminds me that time is fleeting

as are the struggles i'm facing, that we all face. (gosh, i know that sounds cliche.)

but c'est la vie. life is cliche. 

"don't let it get you down."

life is hard and it bares you down until you have nothing left - or so it seems.

but just as you feel the lowest, take a look around. notice the small things.

life really is beautiful and time doesn't stop. it just keeps going.

things will continue on. so why shouldn't you?