"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."
_sylvia plath.




i keep wondering where it is that i am, who it is that i am.
every answer leads me to just another question.
every road leads me to yet another u-turn.

i wish i was constantly moving.
because i can't keep from asking,
"are we there yet?"

simple as it should be.

i've felt a sinking feeling these past few days,
mostly surrounding my feelings of insecurity.
i've felt as though there is some measurement ladder to life
and my hardest efforts have not even come close to stacking up.
i constantly feel as though i'm trying to catch up,
trying to fit into the mold of the life i "should be" living.

but after a rather truth-filled message at church tonight,
i found myself reciting one word over and over again.

simplicity.

it's easy to get caught up in the details,
in the unchecked boxes on a to-do list.
but there it was tonight:
 
"this is the gift of life that i have given to you.
i know you think that you are not worthy,
but i gave this chance to you because i love you,
because i think you are worth it.
so why are you wasting it?"

it's as simple and true as that.
there is no catch, no reading between the lines, no fine print.
this is my life, my gift, my chance.

and life is too short to be anything but happy..

i'm sitting in a crowded coffee shop.
bill paying, resume updating, line editing,
facebook surfing, music downloading, cappuccino sipping.
all of these mundane acts to perpetuate the inevitable,
thrusting myself into this life, into this innocuous reality.
and the only thing i can think to myself is:
"someday, this will all be worth it.
someday, this will all make sense.
someday, someday, someday."

but a part of me hesitates.
why someday? why can't life be what i want it to be now?
it seems the last few years have gone by in a blink
and somehow, i feel like i missed a step. i took a wrong turn.
life isn't what i want it to be. i'm not where i should be.
i haven't finished college. i haven't even filled out my application yet.
i say i do these things. i say i'm motivated. but truthfully?
i'm feeling a bit stuck, feeling a little bit disjointed.
like this life is not my own, like the ground is not mine to walk upon.

i don't know if its this rainy weather
or the ending of yet another failed relationship,
but for some reason, today, i'm feeling rather... lost.

does anyone ever live the life they set out to live?
do we sacrifice our dreams to protect our days?
i cannot even begin to explain the things i have given up,
in order to attain financial security, emotional stability.


and i cannot help but be frightened over the person i might become
if i keep making excuses, if i fail to believe i can achieve the things i want.
so here it is. the root of the root and the beginning of the beginning.


these are the things that i refuse to give up:
publishing a book of fiction.
traveling europe.
someday living in europe.
a solitary road trip.
a road trip with friends.


these may seem small to you,
or maybe they are insignificant and hold no weight,
but to me, they are the world.
they are the cornerstones, the small puzzle pieces that add up to a big picture.
so here it stands. here i stand (or sit).
i refuse to give these up.

i refuse to give up my dreams
in order to protect my days.